I know I havent been posting in awhile but between work, eating and sleeping I haven't been doing much actually. :(
I've still been doing my weekly weight ins and havent been losing in about 3 weeks which has been very depressing but then I realized that i've been getting a ton of exercise (that my body isn't use to). and due to the fact that this weight lost surgery, the weight comes off very slowly. so I think after 2 months my body is finally getting use to the exercise and is now evening out :).
so I weighed in today and i was at 217 last sunday and YAYAYYYYY 211 today. I'm so happy my lowest so far was 214 so i'm lower than my lowest. I love the sound of 211. my new goal was 210 and i'm almost there :-).
my next goal is 200 but ive got 1 more pound to go first.
ok off to work, until next sunday. have a great week everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!
Blessed BE!!!!!!!!!!
Full moon
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Sunday, October 2, 2011
oct 2nd :-)
so another work day down. i worked 6 hours today but it felt like 20 :/. walked another 6.59 miles today. every time I would go to receiving to ship something I would be paged to layaway. I dont hate my job though. I've been there for 6 weeks and I have more responsibilities than most that have been there for years. Finally a place that see that my worth and gives me the responsibilities for it.
Friday, September 30, 2011
i'm still here
I know it's been awhile since my last post but work has really been keeping me busy. I've been working on my days off too lol :-).
We had a great party for ryan and eddie, eddie didn't know so it was great that we could surprise him too.
Sharpie is doing well in school so far. She has B's in both classes so I am very proud of her. Her attitude is even changing, she is starting to do chores without us asking her :-).
I'm slowly starting to lose weight again, I think that from all the exercise i'm getting the weight lose is evening itself out. But I did my week weight in today and I'm down a pound :-). So that is great, that means that i'm finally starting to lose more weight than muscle gain.
We had a great party for ryan and eddie, eddie didn't know so it was great that we could surprise him too.
Sharpie is doing well in school so far. She has B's in both classes so I am very proud of her. Her attitude is even changing, she is starting to do chores without us asking her :-).
I'm slowly starting to lose weight again, I think that from all the exercise i'm getting the weight lose is evening itself out. But I did my week weight in today and I'm down a pound :-). So that is great, that means that i'm finally starting to lose more weight than muscle gain.
Monday, September 12, 2011
week 2 for sharpie
Today is the start of week 2 of school for sharpie. She seems to be liking it but last week was really boring for her. Last week was a bunch of courses explaining over and over again of how the school works and how to get around the site and what is expected of the students.
Today is to start of the "real" classes. Reading and teachings and homework of course. She seems to be working well and getting the hang of it all. She days start at 10am and go until 2pm. history at 10, math at 11 and Spanish at 1 and she gets a lunch break at 12 :-).
She doing ok in history a lot of reading and she isn't the best reader so i'm thinking I may start reading the material to her so I can explain it to her better. and the nights that I work I'll have ryan do it. they had her in the wrong math class so she starts the correct alegbra 1 class today, thinking I'll have to help her with it a lot do no biggie. and well Spanish heh we will see how to works out. I don't know any and either does Ryan. But Julia, Millie, and Eddie all speak Spanish so I know she can go to them for help :-) And I can learn with her, we will see how much she likes it as time goes by hehe. :-)
One good thing is she has a Special Ed teacher in every class that will work with her and other IEP student.
Today is to start of the "real" classes. Reading and teachings and homework of course. She seems to be working well and getting the hang of it all. She days start at 10am and go until 2pm. history at 10, math at 11 and Spanish at 1 and she gets a lunch break at 12 :-).
She doing ok in history a lot of reading and she isn't the best reader so i'm thinking I may start reading the material to her so I can explain it to her better. and the nights that I work I'll have ryan do it. they had her in the wrong math class so she starts the correct alegbra 1 class today, thinking I'll have to help her with it a lot do no biggie. and well Spanish heh we will see how to works out. I don't know any and either does Ryan. But Julia, Millie, and Eddie all speak Spanish so I know she can go to them for help :-) And I can learn with her, we will see how much she likes it as time goes by hehe. :-)
One good thing is she has a Special Ed teacher in every class that will work with her and other IEP student.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
sharpie first day of school
well today is the day. sharpie's first day of school. she is being home schooled now so we will see how this works out. I know that she will do well as long as she puts the effort forth.
Her laptop from the school hasnt come yet but it's suppose to be delivered today!!! She has all her books. This isnt going to be much fun for her but she needs to remember that this week is just a learning week. She has to learn how to use the internet and the school site and class room. The school doesnt think it will proactive to just throw the kids into it and expect them to understand how it works and to use it. I've been looking at it and it kinda confuses me as well....so really its a learning week for both of us.
It's pouring down rain so I bet she's happy she didn't have to stand in the rain waiting for the bus. I'm going to wake for soon, so she can eat breakfast and have time to wake up for starting her first day. She has orientation at 9 am, then her math assessment test starting at 10am. then at 2 she has her online learning class. at 7 pm there is a parent session for me and her to both attend.
She has to do math and read assessments this week so they can "adjust" her school work if need be. it's not just her, all the students have to take them.
I'm so excited for her!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Her laptop from the school hasnt come yet but it's suppose to be delivered today!!! She has all her books. This isnt going to be much fun for her but she needs to remember that this week is just a learning week. She has to learn how to use the internet and the school site and class room. The school doesnt think it will proactive to just throw the kids into it and expect them to understand how it works and to use it. I've been looking at it and it kinda confuses me as well....so really its a learning week for both of us.
It's pouring down rain so I bet she's happy she didn't have to stand in the rain waiting for the bus. I'm going to wake for soon, so she can eat breakfast and have time to wake up for starting her first day. She has orientation at 9 am, then her math assessment test starting at 10am. then at 2 she has her online learning class. at 7 pm there is a parent session for me and her to both attend.
She has to do math and read assessments this week so they can "adjust" her school work if need be. it's not just her, all the students have to take them.
I'm so excited for her!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Saturday, September 3, 2011
new tat :-) almost healed
orginial pic
almost healed...J=julia and A=angel..perfect combo of both of us :)
Friday, September 2, 2011
saturday :)
my real day of work tomorrow, will be kinda boring but it's a paycheck.
I had a dream last night that ryan's mom moved out and I turned the room into a "school" room for me and sharpie. I put 2 matching corner desk for each of us to sit at and do our homework. I'm actually looking forward to doing school work with her. I'm excited about it. the room was a different color but I dont remember that.
funny that, this is the 3rd time of had this dream. the first time was 2 months ago and then 3 weeks ago and then again last night. judy told us she is seriously thinking about moving out 2 days ago. I guess I'm just a horrible person to live with hehehe. WTF!!!!!!!! i'm not changing for anyone and I never say a fucking word to her. she wants me to change so that she "feels" more comfortable living here. About she should look at herself and change herself before she continues to blame everyone else. oh well I wont be crying when she leaves (i called it). she needs to see a therapist and stop running for everything and everyone but that will never happen. she would rather blame everyone else for her problems. oh well. ok i'm done.
yea work lol i cant believe i'm looking forward to it hahaha i'm nuts i know. :-)
I had a dream last night that ryan's mom moved out and I turned the room into a "school" room for me and sharpie. I put 2 matching corner desk for each of us to sit at and do our homework. I'm actually looking forward to doing school work with her. I'm excited about it. the room was a different color but I dont remember that.
funny that, this is the 3rd time of had this dream. the first time was 2 months ago and then 3 weeks ago and then again last night. judy told us she is seriously thinking about moving out 2 days ago. I guess I'm just a horrible person to live with hehehe. WTF!!!!!!!! i'm not changing for anyone and I never say a fucking word to her. she wants me to change so that she "feels" more comfortable living here. About she should look at herself and change herself before she continues to blame everyone else. oh well I wont be crying when she leaves (i called it). she needs to see a therapist and stop running for everything and everyone but that will never happen. she would rather blame everyone else for her problems. oh well. ok i'm done.
yea work lol i cant believe i'm looking forward to it hahaha i'm nuts i know. :-)
good week
It's been a great week besides a few things but I think that will "iron" itself out. Well to start I decided last week to leave McCann. I have choose to apply to university of phoenix and complete my degrees online. They actually offer the degree i've been looking for. degree in human services :) Like I said it's online so that means I will be saving the 300-400 a month I spend in gas just going back and forth to school. This way I can finish my associates and then continue for my bach and maybe my master, if i decide I want to take it that far.
Plus cuz I've been eating at school and that shit they offer, i've actually gain a few pound which has totally pissed my off. being home I can control what I can eat because I can buy it at the store and have it in the house. I have pretty much limited the fats snacks in the house. I try to only buy to stuff that is "healthier" for me. I hope that I start losing weight again because that really upsets me. :/ but at this point I've stopped gaining I'm just not losing either.
So sharpie got approved to attend online public school this week as well. I had her iep meeting yesterday and it seems like parkland was really dropping the ball last year. And Agora seems to really be involved and they want the parents to be involved as well. Which is totally more than parkland did!!!! I really think this is going to be a better situation for her than the last few years. I know at first until she gets use to it, it will be a struggle but she will get it after time :)
Last week after class I stopped by kmart and applied for a cashing job. the next day I got a call for an interview. After talking to the HR lady about my work history and experience, she offered me a position in soft lines running the jewelry and laway departments and even better it's 50 cents more an hour. 7.75 still isn't alot but it's enough that will bring in some extra money for the holidays and help get us get through the winter.
I started my job yesterday, it was kinda boring cuz it was mainly doing paperwork and watching the normal safetly videos lol.
they have to train me on the casher registers first then I'll get my training on jewelry and layaway. so tomorrow is my first day of training on the registers but i'm "shadowing" someone so basically another boring day hehe. i like boring :). then I work tuesday and someone will be shadowing me :) but "if i'm doing well" I can go on by myself. yea I don't see me having a shadow for very long, I learn fast :) Thursday i'm totally by myself and then friday I start my training in my actually departments. I'm actually looking forward to it because I wont just be standing at a register all day, I will be doing signs...stocking softline area, doing layaways and helping customers with jewelry.
so yes my 2 weeks have been great. But on the other hand, things in the house are getting worse. although ryan and I were not aware of it. I am a horrible person to live with i guess. I'm a horrible person for wanting to be told if someone takes my daughter some place without me and how dare I say something. And after talking to you once and explaining it you do it again, so i talk to you again and try to explain in simplier terms that you need to let me know when you are taking my 15 year old daughter out of the house. and wait you do it again. i dont care if you were just driving to walmart, and i dont care if you live here or not. she is my daughter and you need to tell me that you are taking her out of the house. I have the RIGHT to know where my daughter is at all times!!!! it's that fucking simple.
i then I got words put into my mouth. I never once said i thought you had a drinking problem, not fucking once. i said i don't want you taking my daughter out and you deciding you're going to have a drink. yes I know you said you wouldn't do it again and yes I said HOW DO I KNOW THAT!! it's cuz you have to earn my trust again. i don't just give my trust away, you have to earn it!!!
I'm seriously so tired of this shit. every week it's something new. know you tell us your "seriously" thinking about moving out ok whatever move out. I'm not going to beg you to stay or leave, looking here is your room stay ok. and here is the door, leave ok. BUT if she stays just crap needs to stop, I refuse to live like this anymore !!!!!
blah ok i feel better now. hehehe!!! so basically good week and I'm ignoring the crap!!!!
almost done with ryan's stocking that i start like a year ago hehe will start sharpies soon.
Plus cuz I've been eating at school and that shit they offer, i've actually gain a few pound which has totally pissed my off. being home I can control what I can eat because I can buy it at the store and have it in the house. I have pretty much limited the fats snacks in the house. I try to only buy to stuff that is "healthier" for me. I hope that I start losing weight again because that really upsets me. :/ but at this point I've stopped gaining I'm just not losing either.
So sharpie got approved to attend online public school this week as well. I had her iep meeting yesterday and it seems like parkland was really dropping the ball last year. And Agora seems to really be involved and they want the parents to be involved as well. Which is totally more than parkland did!!!! I really think this is going to be a better situation for her than the last few years. I know at first until she gets use to it, it will be a struggle but she will get it after time :)
Last week after class I stopped by kmart and applied for a cashing job. the next day I got a call for an interview. After talking to the HR lady about my work history and experience, she offered me a position in soft lines running the jewelry and laway departments and even better it's 50 cents more an hour. 7.75 still isn't alot but it's enough that will bring in some extra money for the holidays and help get us get through the winter.
I started my job yesterday, it was kinda boring cuz it was mainly doing paperwork and watching the normal safetly videos lol.
they have to train me on the casher registers first then I'll get my training on jewelry and layaway. so tomorrow is my first day of training on the registers but i'm "shadowing" someone so basically another boring day hehe. i like boring :). then I work tuesday and someone will be shadowing me :) but "if i'm doing well" I can go on by myself. yea I don't see me having a shadow for very long, I learn fast :) Thursday i'm totally by myself and then friday I start my training in my actually departments. I'm actually looking forward to it because I wont just be standing at a register all day, I will be doing signs...stocking softline area, doing layaways and helping customers with jewelry.
so yes my 2 weeks have been great. But on the other hand, things in the house are getting worse. although ryan and I were not aware of it. I am a horrible person to live with i guess. I'm a horrible person for wanting to be told if someone takes my daughter some place without me and how dare I say something. And after talking to you once and explaining it you do it again, so i talk to you again and try to explain in simplier terms that you need to let me know when you are taking my 15 year old daughter out of the house. and wait you do it again. i dont care if you were just driving to walmart, and i dont care if you live here or not. she is my daughter and you need to tell me that you are taking her out of the house. I have the RIGHT to know where my daughter is at all times!!!! it's that fucking simple.
i then I got words put into my mouth. I never once said i thought you had a drinking problem, not fucking once. i said i don't want you taking my daughter out and you deciding you're going to have a drink. yes I know you said you wouldn't do it again and yes I said HOW DO I KNOW THAT!! it's cuz you have to earn my trust again. i don't just give my trust away, you have to earn it!!!
I'm seriously so tired of this shit. every week it's something new. know you tell us your "seriously" thinking about moving out ok whatever move out. I'm not going to beg you to stay or leave, looking here is your room stay ok. and here is the door, leave ok. BUT if she stays just crap needs to stop, I refuse to live like this anymore !!!!!
blah ok i feel better now. hehehe!!! so basically good week and I'm ignoring the crap!!!!
almost done with ryan's stocking that i start like a year ago hehe will start sharpies soon.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
garcia's wedding gift (late) finished
no dreams
so I've had a pretty good week as far as flashbacks and dreams. I've been having some weird vision dreams but nothing to do with my present, everything to do with my future :-) yeah!!! and it's looking good so far.
I had to drop school this term cuz I don't have the money for gas. It cost me 80 a week for gas and we simply don't have it. we have 100 in bank to last us until next week when ryan gets paid. I'll have my ssi next week but that pays the rent, mortgage, and my car payment. Good news, I get offered a job at kmart i'm just waiting for the background check to come back. I messed up the one address (i realized that last night) for I had the zip code right. I'm hoping that doesnt mess up my being hired. Due to my work experience they actually offered my a different position for 50 cent more an hour. We really need the extra money we I hope I get it. I have no criminal history, i've never been in trouble for anything so I'm sure it will be ok. I'm just over thinking it.
It just sucks I had to drop school but what are you going to do. I'm talking to university of phoenix about their associate in human service degree. It would be all online and I wouldn't have to worry about gas and shit. Plus I could be home for sharpie. oh yea I don't think I mention that. Sharpie will be starting online schooling this year, shit at school is getting bad and I finally agreed to allow her to do it. Under the understanding that she has to follow some rules. The only issue I see at this point is the fact that she is already complaining that she is bored. That isn't going to change much. She isn't bored as in nothing to do, she is bored of being in the house well hate to broke it to her, she is going to be in the house a lot more. I'll try and take her out, maybe we will go to the park and read or walk or even work on homework. You know different environment. But I think in the long run she will do fine, she just need to adjust to it.
So things are going to be ok in the end, just right now they suck but I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. And truthfully even if something happens and I don't get the job (i hope not though, I hate not working really) I will be saving almost 350-400 a month in gas money, so we will be better off in a few ways. And I'll just keep looking for a job. It's almost the bust season and other places will be hiring for the season which will give us more money for the holidays and that is the biggest thing. I want to be able to afford my daughter christmas.
anyways, well that just reminded me of christmas during my childhood, I just got a few flashes of me sitting around watching everyone else opening gift when I only got one if I was "good". That is for a different post. I don't remember much other than that. If I remember more I'll post it :(
time to eat, sugar getting low. And guess I'll work on sharpies blanket, maybe I'll actually finish this one :) I did finally finish eddie and julia's wedding gift hahahahahha 4 months after they got married.
I had to drop school this term cuz I don't have the money for gas. It cost me 80 a week for gas and we simply don't have it. we have 100 in bank to last us until next week when ryan gets paid. I'll have my ssi next week but that pays the rent, mortgage, and my car payment. Good news, I get offered a job at kmart i'm just waiting for the background check to come back. I messed up the one address (i realized that last night) for I had the zip code right. I'm hoping that doesnt mess up my being hired. Due to my work experience they actually offered my a different position for 50 cent more an hour. We really need the extra money we I hope I get it. I have no criminal history, i've never been in trouble for anything so I'm sure it will be ok. I'm just over thinking it.
It just sucks I had to drop school but what are you going to do. I'm talking to university of phoenix about their associate in human service degree. It would be all online and I wouldn't have to worry about gas and shit. Plus I could be home for sharpie. oh yea I don't think I mention that. Sharpie will be starting online schooling this year, shit at school is getting bad and I finally agreed to allow her to do it. Under the understanding that she has to follow some rules. The only issue I see at this point is the fact that she is already complaining that she is bored. That isn't going to change much. She isn't bored as in nothing to do, she is bored of being in the house well hate to broke it to her, she is going to be in the house a lot more. I'll try and take her out, maybe we will go to the park and read or walk or even work on homework. You know different environment. But I think in the long run she will do fine, she just need to adjust to it.
So things are going to be ok in the end, just right now they suck but I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. And truthfully even if something happens and I don't get the job (i hope not though, I hate not working really) I will be saving almost 350-400 a month in gas money, so we will be better off in a few ways. And I'll just keep looking for a job. It's almost the bust season and other places will be hiring for the season which will give us more money for the holidays and that is the biggest thing. I want to be able to afford my daughter christmas.
anyways, well that just reminded me of christmas during my childhood, I just got a few flashes of me sitting around watching everyone else opening gift when I only got one if I was "good". That is for a different post. I don't remember much other than that. If I remember more I'll post it :(
time to eat, sugar getting low. And guess I'll work on sharpies blanket, maybe I'll actually finish this one :) I did finally finish eddie and julia's wedding gift hahahahahha 4 months after they got married.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
sunday's memories
today at the pow wow I was reminded of my great mentor and friend noupi. I miss him greatly and will love him always. during the veterans dance and memorance (sp) dance I was reminded of him and who he was and how much he taught me. I couldn't not help but cry for him, as he was the first true "father" in my life and he knew that without me ever telling him. His words were never harsh and his hands were never scary to me. I felt nothing but love from him always :). My tears were not in sadness nor were they in anger but they were in happiness and the knew he would always be within me.
everyday I feel his spirit with my and every night we have long talks and walks in my sleep. I may not remember what was say but I remember the feeling of walking with him again.
May you soul and spirit be as free as the wind.
everyday I feel his spirit with my and every night we have long talks and walks in my sleep. I may not remember what was say but I remember the feeling of walking with him again.
May you soul and spirit be as free as the wind.
thrusday night's dream or memory
it all started because of something we saw in tv thursday night. we were watching true tv, hillbillys. There was this guy who was pulling his teeth out with pliers. and then a small bit of memory can back into my head of my childhood. I remember that my parent (that hated having the spend their money on me) would do that when my baby teeth were coming out. For some reason my teeth always got stuck and needed to be pulled or they would get infected. So instead of taking me to the dentist, they would pull them with plier and man did that ever hurt.
thing is I didn't remember everything until that night when I was sleeping and started having flashbacks. I dreamed of this time where the teeth was starting to get infected and I tried to hide it for my mom but she found out. She was holding me down while my dad send my sister to get the pliers. my dad would pull and pull and pull until the teeth would give free. then my mom "clean" out the hole where my teeth just was to clean up the infection. I remember screaming so much I would go horse.
in my dream I could feel it all over again, her basically sitting on me and him pulling and pulling. It felt like they were pulling my eyeballs out. My jaw hurt for days and my head would hurt for weeks. I could still feel the pain and blood fill my mouth. and my mom yelling I will not spend another dime on you. if i didn't have to I would waste my food or electric on you either.
wow how can you tell your child that, I just dont get it. the child didn't ask to be brought into this world, the parents did that part.
thing is I didn't remember everything until that night when I was sleeping and started having flashbacks. I dreamed of this time where the teeth was starting to get infected and I tried to hide it for my mom but she found out. She was holding me down while my dad send my sister to get the pliers. my dad would pull and pull and pull until the teeth would give free. then my mom "clean" out the hole where my teeth just was to clean up the infection. I remember screaming so much I would go horse.
in my dream I could feel it all over again, her basically sitting on me and him pulling and pulling. It felt like they were pulling my eyeballs out. My jaw hurt for days and my head would hurt for weeks. I could still feel the pain and blood fill my mouth. and my mom yelling I will not spend another dime on you. if i didn't have to I would waste my food or electric on you either.
wow how can you tell your child that, I just dont get it. the child didn't ask to be brought into this world, the parents did that part.
long weekend
Well it's been a long weekend but a good one. We went to a tat party saturday, it was also our friends 2nd annvi. I got my winged wolf and it turned out wonderful better than I thought it would. Matt got his lion done again great job and julia got her rune and family names done :/ The one bar didn't transfer and now once she is healed he is going to fix it. otherwise he did a great job on it, the lettering everything was great.
today we all meet at the pow wow and enjoyed a great day of drumming and dancing. what a great time we had. I was able to get my drum for ceremonies and rituals and we got sharpie a drum with the raven on it. ryan found some flutes but I couldnt talk him into getting one, its hard for him to spend money on things hehe.
mother earth blessed us with two beautiful day and now we are home and it's raining and cooling things down.
today we all meet at the pow wow and enjoyed a great day of drumming and dancing. what a great time we had. I was able to get my drum for ceremonies and rituals and we got sharpie a drum with the raven on it. ryan found some flutes but I couldnt talk him into getting one, its hard for him to spend money on things hehe.
mother earth blessed us with two beautiful day and now we are home and it's raining and cooling things down.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
here is my paper!! warning warning details within
Cause and Effects of PTSD
After a traumatic experience it is normal to feel frightened, sad, anxious, and even disconnected. Usually, as time passes, these feelings fade and you start to feel normal again and begin to enjoy life once more. But in some cases the trauma you experience is overwhelming and you find yourself “stuck” and continuing to relive the painful memories.
Most people associate PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) with battle-scarred soldiers and military combat is the most common in men. But any overwhelming traumatic life experience can trigger PTSD, especially in a situation that is unpredictability and uncontrollable. PTSD involves anyone who has witness or experienced a catastrophe event at one point in their lives. It affects not just the person involved but everyone around them. But remember not everyone who has been effected by a traumatic event develop PTSD.
But for me that wasn't the case at all. PTSD is a very personal and long life issue. I've grown up thinking that not remembering my childhood was a normal thing; that no one really remembers most of their childhood. Plus to be honest I didn't want to remember it. My childhood wasn't all laughs and giggles. My childhood was a time of nightmares, such a time that would probably even give most adults nightmares. My memories are very far into a black hole that it takes the skills of a very experienced psychotherapist to pull them out. As I said I grow up thinking my memories or lack of was normal but as I became an adult I found that wasn't true at all.
All I finally got the nerve to leave me first husband and started my life over with someone I thought I would spend the reminder of my life with who in the end turned out to be my best friend rather than my husband. Clay, my second husband and best friend, realized I had changed and not for the good after a couple years into our eleven year marriage. We decided that we would start couples therapy, thinking the issues were in our marriage-we were very wrong. “Our” therapist became my therapist after a few months and Clay slide out of the therapy expect on a few occasions that I felt he should know how my progress was going.
After a months into my therapy, Maria my therapist, gave me a book to read. This book was my first step into the black hole of my memories. With the book were instruction of 'do not read more than a chapter at a time, allow the words to sink in' and I laughed to myself. It's only a book I told myself, will again I was wrong. That first night I read and read and read, completing the first 4 chapter before going to bed. That night I experienced the worse “nightmares” I had ever had in my life. The next morning I called Maria crying, and she explained the “nightmares” were simply not that at all, they were called flashbacks. She explained that I should not under any circumstances read anymore of the book and I need to keep a dairy of all the flashbacks and memories that I may start to remember. Three days later sitting in her office I did nothing but cry.
Memories of my mother, father, siblings and everyone who was in my life as a child started “flooding” back. The first memories I could recall was of my mother hitting me so hard I flew (yes feet off the ground) across the kitchen and slammed my head against the washer. My step-father, retired from the marines, and my mother were over-the-road truck driver and were only home every other weekend. We stayed with my other brother, who was addicted to drugs and would take his anger out on me, because he needed a place to live and they didn't want to pay someone to “take care” of me. This weekend I happen to have taken all the beating I could and run away from home. My parents happen to come home and instead of telling the truth he told them I simply run away and he didn't know why. My mother searched for two days and finally find me hiding out at my best friend brother's house. My mother took me out of the house by my hair and that is where the beatings started.
Over a years time, the memories kept coming strong and stronger. Memories of my brother beating me, my sister stoned in the corner watching my boyfriend beat me because I told him to stop beating her. The memories of being sexually abused by my sister boyfriend, everything flooding my memory. These memories lead to feelings of depression, self worthlessness, even some suicidal thoughts. But anger was the biggest emotion of all, I wanted to find all these people and hurt them like they hurt me. My anger even got directed at people that shouldn't have, like my best friends, my husband, co-workers and even my therapist. These emotions became so intense that my therapist had to prescribe medication to help control all the emotions flooding me.
After two years had gone by of weekly session with Maria, I believed that I had finally started to heal until some event in my life would trigger a new memory. And again I was in her office, sitting on the couch crying my eyes out in either anger or fear or simply because I couldn't understand why the people who loved me want put me through such hell. Why if they cared for me so much, they allowed every horrible beating to happen.
I asked myself that question the day I sit in Maria's office for an emergency visit because the night before I had images flashing through my head of when I was 8 years old. We still lived in Mississippi, it was a normal morning waiting for the bus to come. The neighborhood kids were making fun of me because my cloths were ripped, dirty, and even smelled a little. There was this dog that always came to visit me in the morning. But that morning the one older boy pushed me and the dog jumped at him. I hold the dog back as the boy grab a broken PVP pipe and throw it at the dog. The pipe stabbed me in the right hip as my sister ran home to get my mom the boy kicked me and told me I shouldn't have gotten in the way. As my mom approach me laying on the ground, she became to yell at me to get up. My father got me into the car and I remember my mom crying as she did everything she took me to the ER to be treated for “me hurting myself again”. Or at least that was the story I was forced to tell the doctors each time.
After they rushed me to surgery, removed the pipe, and stitched me up; I was released to go home but ordered to bed rest. My mom walked my through the front door, kicked the crutches out for under me and began screaming at me about how she had to miss work and I was going to pay for it. Next thing I know I was laying on the floor and my hip was killing me. I was then ordered to get up and was given a list of thing I needed to do to work off the cost my hospital bill. How dare I cost her more money!
However, as I grew into a teenager the beatings became less but the emotional abuse was still there. I was always told I couldn't do anything right and I would end up a high school drop out and pregnant. She made sure that everyday I knew how much I ruined her life and that I was a mistake. See my father abused her and due to one beating she was told she would never have kids again. Well, the joke was on her because there I was and neither of them were happy. My father would beat her everyday trying to make her miscarry and finally at eight months she went into labor but I was born happy and healthy. Again to their surprise.
Consequently, I did prove her wrong but it did take time. I did graduate high school and I did have a child of my own, which I made a promise I would never treat her the way my parents treated me. Now her father turned out to be an abusive person and I stayed in the marriage for a year until he opened my eyes by pushing our two year down the front porch steps. And of course, there was the second husband who turned out to be a cheating man. But the funny part of this story is we were always better best friends than lovers. To bad that took me eleven years to figure out.
Finally, I find myself here today, living in Pennsylvania in my third marriage. However, my current husband is the best thing that has ever happened to me and my daughter. He loves me unconditional, even with all my emotions. And still to this day I live with the PTSD and all it's “wonderful” effects. The night sweats, night terrors, flashbacks, day visions and all the emotions.
my paper
I finished my paper!! It was hard to write and even harder to allow someone else to read it. To allow someone into that world of my black hole and see what I'm hiding is hard. But I think it was good to write and I am positive I am going to keep writing about it. I need to get it out of my mind and onto the paper. See it seems to make it real and making it real makes me know that I have to deal with it.
Yes I said it ok, I am going to deal with it.
Yes I said it ok, I am going to deal with it.
another day of driving
I've had about enough with this driving shit. I spend close to 60-80 a week in gas just for school. I really hope to hear from Phoenix soon on when I can start there finanically. UGH!!!!! I hate this, I hate going to class everyday, I hate driving everyday, i hate all the miles I'm putting on my car, I hate the fact that I need to get a PT job just to support my gas spending. If it wasnt for that we would save 340-360 a month. That is alot of money. I could be getting a degree that I will actually work with. Right now I'm getting a degree that I will never work with. I plan was to finish my associates at mccann and transfer to a 4 year college to get a degree in human services or my RN. I need a job where I will not be on my feet all day, I need a office job. My back is going to go out on me at some point in the near future (suck i dont know when). Maybe that would help, then I could plan my life accordly. UGHUGHUGHUGH!!
ok I'm done venting now hehe. off to school :( and then I need to finish writing my next paper that is done. oh yea this stupid paper gave my flashback last night....YEAH!!!!!!
ok I'm done venting now hehe. off to school :( and then I need to finish writing my next paper that is done. oh yea this stupid paper gave my flashback last night....YEAH!!!!!!
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
another day
So I'm sitting here at school struggling to write my paper because I choose to do it on PTSD. WTF!! was I thinking. Why why would I choose to relive the hell of my past. Why would I dare want to go back into the black hole of my memories. I was perfectly happy with them locked away. seriously what was I thinking.
So someone said something to me last night that made me think and realized that I need to deal with it. So I've decided that i'm going to write about it..maybe it will be a book someday hehehe yea fun i know but hell you never know. I've seen ppl write about their lives hoping it helps one person and maybe that is me. At least it should help me.
So maybe i should put a disclaimer on my blog...warned nightmares can be caused by reading :)..
ok off to class :)
So someone said something to me last night that made me think and realized that I need to deal with it. So I've decided that i'm going to write about it..maybe it will be a book someday hehehe yea fun i know but hell you never know. I've seen ppl write about their lives hoping it helps one person and maybe that is me. At least it should help me.
So maybe i should put a disclaimer on my blog...warned nightmares can be caused by reading :)..
ok off to class :)
Sunday, August 14, 2011
the full moon
The full moon was Friday and yes I had to go outside and look at it and talk to the man on the moon. I was actually howled a little out my window of my car hehe. The moon just re-energizes me. and it was so bright.
so the doctor calls me friday (finally) with my A1C, and tells me it is higher then it was the last time i was tested. Well lets see, the test goes back 3-4 months, ok that was march, april, and may lol hmm yea my sugars were very high right after my surgery because of the meds they had me on. Then after my surgery i was on the clear diet and my sugar would drop so i was eating a lot of sugary stuff to keep my sugars up. I sugar is always high first thing in the morning due to the sugar build up thru the night lol. I bet if they retest me now, the test would be lower. I have been testing 2 times a day and they are running 140 ish first thing in the morning and then stay around 95ish throughout the day. I every hate doctors i swear. :/ just once I would like a call saying "angel your test are normal and you're doing fine." No why would I get that. WHATEVER!!!!
As for school, it's going ok. I'm alittle annoyed at the fact that I will have a degree I will not being using but I know it's just a stepping-stone to the next thing to get to my goal but still. No college or university will accept McCann's individual credits but they will accept the degree. that makes no sense at all but I cant force anyone to take the credits. I would transfer to another college but I've put some much time and money into this school already I can't get myself to walk away. I don't want to quit. I want to finish this degree. I have some many degrees half finished. I will finish something. Now on a better note, I am speaking with University of Phoenix about transferring to their college and they "may" accept the credits. If they do then I will be transferring after this term. I will finish the current term I'm in now though. I'm really crossing my fingers, they have the degree I really want. Bachelors of Science in Human Services/Management. I will be focusing on counseling or social work :). Finally a school that has that option.
On the weight side of life, well its going slow but I'm still losing weight. I've promised myself that I will not weight myself more than once a week and I'm trying hard to stick to it. In the back of my mind, I think that everytime I step on that scale the weight should be going down but I know in my heart it isn't suppose it. My doctor has group meetings every tuesday night, I wish I could go I know that would help me alot. Another reason I'm hoping to transfer out. Phoenix will be totally online so my schedule will open up and I can start to go to these meetings. I'm very thankful for my family and friends and all their support but they don't understand really what I'm feeling and going through. The meetings are for ppl who have had or going to have this surgery and are right there with me. Going thru what I'm going thru, feeling what I'm feeling. :)
I've got this paper due this thrusday, cause and effect paper. For some reason I chose to write it on PTSD. My teacher says he wants to see more personality in our papers. So I hate to say it but if that is what you want you are going to get it. I just hope I don't go overboard in the paper. I always hope that I don't regress things or start having new flashbacks. The flashbacks stops a year ago and I havn't had any news currently. I know I know I'm opening a can of worms here. I bring it on myself, choosing these topics. The next paper he will choose the topic, oh yeah! fun. hahahahah
well until next time....keeping howling!!!!!!!!!!
BLESSED BE and may the great spirits keep you safe!
so the doctor calls me friday (finally) with my A1C, and tells me it is higher then it was the last time i was tested. Well lets see, the test goes back 3-4 months, ok that was march, april, and may lol hmm yea my sugars were very high right after my surgery because of the meds they had me on. Then after my surgery i was on the clear diet and my sugar would drop so i was eating a lot of sugary stuff to keep my sugars up. I sugar is always high first thing in the morning due to the sugar build up thru the night lol. I bet if they retest me now, the test would be lower. I have been testing 2 times a day and they are running 140 ish first thing in the morning and then stay around 95ish throughout the day. I every hate doctors i swear. :/ just once I would like a call saying "angel your test are normal and you're doing fine." No why would I get that. WHATEVER!!!!
As for school, it's going ok. I'm alittle annoyed at the fact that I will have a degree I will not being using but I know it's just a stepping-stone to the next thing to get to my goal but still. No college or university will accept McCann's individual credits but they will accept the degree. that makes no sense at all but I cant force anyone to take the credits. I would transfer to another college but I've put some much time and money into this school already I can't get myself to walk away. I don't want to quit. I want to finish this degree. I have some many degrees half finished. I will finish something. Now on a better note, I am speaking with University of Phoenix about transferring to their college and they "may" accept the credits. If they do then I will be transferring after this term. I will finish the current term I'm in now though. I'm really crossing my fingers, they have the degree I really want. Bachelors of Science in Human Services/Management. I will be focusing on counseling or social work :). Finally a school that has that option.
On the weight side of life, well its going slow but I'm still losing weight. I've promised myself that I will not weight myself more than once a week and I'm trying hard to stick to it. In the back of my mind, I think that everytime I step on that scale the weight should be going down but I know in my heart it isn't suppose it. My doctor has group meetings every tuesday night, I wish I could go I know that would help me alot. Another reason I'm hoping to transfer out. Phoenix will be totally online so my schedule will open up and I can start to go to these meetings. I'm very thankful for my family and friends and all their support but they don't understand really what I'm feeling and going through. The meetings are for ppl who have had or going to have this surgery and are right there with me. Going thru what I'm going thru, feeling what I'm feeling. :)
I've got this paper due this thrusday, cause and effect paper. For some reason I chose to write it on PTSD. My teacher says he wants to see more personality in our papers. So I hate to say it but if that is what you want you are going to get it. I just hope I don't go overboard in the paper. I always hope that I don't regress things or start having new flashbacks. The flashbacks stops a year ago and I havn't had any news currently. I know I know I'm opening a can of worms here. I bring it on myself, choosing these topics. The next paper he will choose the topic, oh yeah! fun. hahahahah
well until next time....keeping howling!!!!!!!!!!
BLESSED BE and may the great spirits keep you safe!
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Walking in my steps..
My daughter turned 15 on last Friday and she has chosen to walk in my steps. To walk the path for my ways, to embrace her inner raven. I am so pleased with her and can't wait for her to join me and we can walk side by side on this journey. We can share in life's beautiful pictures that The Great Spirit gives us. 2 souls 1 spirit!!!!!!
And my beautiful, loving, soul sister is now walking the path with us!! The circle is complete!
embrace your inner spirit and walk with me!
And my beautiful, loving, soul sister is now walking the path with us!! The circle is complete!
embrace your inner spirit and walk with me!
The Journey of weight
As my journey continues down this dirty, bumpy road I hung on for my life. I'm down to 212 again. I was at that mark a few months ago but I gained some weight back when I able to start eating normal food again. It was very depressing gaining the weight back, I questioned if I had made the right steps. I find that I am stronger than I am weak. As I look inside the find that strength I realize it was there all along. So I lose 4 lbs last month and my dr was very happy for me. I questioned the amount and again was told I was on the right road. I have only lose 3 lbs this month. The small amounts are again depressing to me. I expected to lose more, but if I wanted that to be true than I should have had the bypass done (according to my dr heh). After talking to others that have had the lap band, I am done well and again on the right path.
So I continue on the path that has been laid in front of me and I embrace it with open arms and open heart. The funny thing about it all is the fact that I'm kinda happy with where I am at this point. I know I'm confusing. I'm depressed because of the amount of weight but on the other hand I am happy. Not happy with the amount of weight loss but with the fact that I was a type 2 diabetic and I am now considered a type 1 and it is controlled by diet alone. Yes I will be happy to loss more weight but I so pleased with the fact that my diabetes is almost cured :-)
Life is good
So I continue on the path that has been laid in front of me and I embrace it with open arms and open heart. The funny thing about it all is the fact that I'm kinda happy with where I am at this point. I know I'm confusing. I'm depressed because of the amount of weight but on the other hand I am happy. Not happy with the amount of weight loss but with the fact that I was a type 2 diabetic and I am now considered a type 1 and it is controlled by diet alone. Yes I will be happy to loss more weight but I so pleased with the fact that my diabetes is almost cured :-)
Life is good
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)